Reflections From a Country Girl

When I’m out of town I often take my computer to a local restaurant that has wireless internet. I’ll get a cup of coffee and sit there as I peruse the e-mails and write a little.

Wednesday was no exception. This time, however, my experience was different.

I had been sitting at the table for about ten minutes when a lady, who appeared to be about my same age, came in and sat a few seats down from me. Since the restaurant was nearly empty, I wondered why she chose to sit so close but exchanged a smile and “good morning” and went on about my business. I could tell she was busily concentrating on writing something but, not wanted to be nosy, I did not look at her directly. I knew she was concentrating on her work.

After about 15 minutes we shared a few words of encouragement until an older gentleman with while hair approached her and they started a conversation. I could tell she was happy to see him. It was obvious this was their regular meeting place and they got down to business quickly.

It didn’t take long to realize what they were doing. I couldn’t help but overhear that he was teaching her how to write. I glanced over to see that her paper was the kind of writing paper that students use as they are learning to write in school.

He was very carefully teaching her each letter and using just the right combination of creative descriptions and humor to encourage her and compliment her successes. I found myself thinking that I would have liked to have a teacher like that when I was learning in school.

I was in awe by these two. One was using his skills to teach writing. The other, whose accent told me she probably was of Jamaican descent, was learning rapidly. You could tell she was determined. Before too long, I thought, she would be writing as well as the rest of us.

I felt tears welling up in my eyes as I stared at the computer. I was truly touched by this encounter.

As I finished my e-mails and prepared to leave, I knew I could not simply get up and go. I wanted to tell her how proud of her I was and encourage her to keep up the good work. I wanted to thank the man for sharing his gift of teaching with her. I also wanted to be mindful that I did not embarrass her in anything I might say.

I quietly took out two business cards and wrote my address on the back of them. On one of them, I shared a website address as I knew I was going to write about them. I continued sitting there for a few minutes to decide what I wanted to say. I finally got up to speak.

“I couldn’t help but overhear what you are doing.” I said. “You’ve touched me this morning. I’m so proud of both of you.”

“I’ve written a book I think you two might enjoy. I’d like to ask you to do something,” I said as I looked at her.

“Write me and tell me who you are. I’d like to send you both a copy of my book and I’ll make sure to sign it just for you.” I explained.

After a few more words and smiles, we parted ways.

I continued to have those folks on my mind throughout the day. I shared the story with some friends and wanted to also share it with you today.

My wish for you today: That you will look for inspiration around you and celebrate it. See it in the regular places and also celebrate those times when you see inspiration in unusual places. If possible, tell the people they’ve inspired you and made your day a better one because of their actions. You, too, may be very surprised by what you see.

~Joellen

If you read yesterday’s reflection, you know I was listening to country music on a trip I took recently.

I love the names of country songs. There’s just something about them that take you to places you sometimes want, and sometimes don’t want, to go.

Must Be Doin’ Something Right is one of those songs that takes my mind to places I want to go.

Pierce and I were married for almost 12 years. While you wouldn’t say we were the perfect couple, we were good for each other most of the time.

Pierce was a minister. It’s not easy being married to a minister. It often felt like you were on display all the time and seemed that people scrutinized you more than you wanted them to. I figured that came along with the package and, since I knew what I was getting myself in to, I dealt with it as positively as possible.

Pierce died over 18 years ago when my son – I’ll call him PE here – was six. I worked diligently at finding families for him to be around after his Dad died. For those families I could only tell him about, I talked with him often about them and how important they were to me as I was growing up. I wanted to make sure he saw and heard what kind of positive qualities a healthy family should strive to have so he would know how to be the best family man he could be if and when the time came.

I’ve compiled a short list of some significant qualities that have stood out in my mind. I’ll add to them as time goes on. Just in case you get the idea that these families are near perfect, they are not. There are, however, various strengths within these families that have stood out to make a difference in our lives.

Sticking by you through thick and thin – Carol and Kevin are my son’s Aunt and Uncle on his father’s side. They have taught PE how long lasting and consistent love can have a positive impact on your life. PE and I had some rough times with each other for awhile and Carol and Kevin were, and still are, the mainstays through his life. Carol and Kevin love Pierce as though he is their own. They have loved him unconditionally and have stuck with him through rough times when I was about to pull my hair out with him. I am so grateful for their continued love and connection with us. They are a vital part of our family unit even today.

Forgiveness – In many of the families mentioned here I have seen the regular act of forgiveness when people – both parents and children – made mistakes. Since we all make mistakes, it is wise to learn how to practice this no matter where you are – in the workplace, at home and in your community. Take a look at my reflection on September 12th for more details on this one.

Compassion – Compassion is probably one of the most important qualities in a loving relationship. This quality lies deep within the soul. If your parents didn’t teach this to you early, it’s hard to catch up…but it can be done. My best family example of this are my friends Mike and Mary Carolyn. They have six children and all of them went into helping professions. Many of them are doctors and lawyers. They are an amazing family. Mike is a doctor and Mary Carolyn is a remarkable mother. Together, they helped their children blossom into exceptionally compassionate individuals while practicing selflessness at the same time.

Trust – Pierce has had the chance to see how important trust is in a relationship through my friendship with Pat and Merry. They live nearby with their two girls, Madison and Allie. I met Merry in a church choir and we’ve been friends ever since. Pierce is very aware that I trust these two with just about anything. He knows that trust is a critical thing for me to be able to have in my life since I am a single parent. Seeing me have this trusting relationship with both of them has been important for PE. He knows they don’t only trust each other, but they can share a trusting relationship together. Thanks, Pat and Merry, for sharing that gift with me and setting that example for my child, and yours, to see.

Compatibility – George and Nieves are the most compatible couple I know. PE has been lifelong friends with their sons – particularly Alfred. There were times during a week or month when PE lived there with them more than with me. PE loves Nieves’ cooking. George and Nieves come from different cultural backgrounds but their life together has been one of embracing each others difference and making remarkable contributions to the community in a way that few other couples have done. They both love mathematics and work professionally in private and public colleges. I have watched how strong their relationship is and how compatible they are with each other. I am so glad PE has been a part of their lives.

Spirituality – Chris and his wife, Barbara, came to serve the church where we had been when my husband died. Shortly after they arrived, they lost one of their sons in a tragic accident in that small community. Not too terribly long after that, Chris was diagnosed with a lethal form of cancer and had a stem cell transplant. He was prepared to die only to discover that he would be the only one to survive that surgery. It’s been over 16 years and Chris is alive and well. Because of these experiences, spirituality was redefined in Chris and Barbara’s life. Their living example of how life’s challenges change your spiritual journey has been a strong example for PE. He has “redefined” his spirituality several times as a young man and will, I’m sure, continue to do so. I’m so glad he had a chance to see Chris and Barbara in action as they embraced their religious beliefs and support base in their times of challenge.

Giving each other space to be individuals as well as a couple – There is one couple, Mary Jane and Darrell, that are great examples of this. Both Mary Jane and Darrell are exceptional musicians and educators in their own rights. Mary Jane teachers at a magnet school in the Washington, DC area and Darrell is an education director for a prestigious national institute. They both love their work, yet they are a strong couple with great love and care for each other. They are such a strong team that their spirit strengthens you when you are in their presence.

Humor – While PE did not actually see these people in action, he heard me talk often of Mr. and Mrs. Long. They laughed with each other more than any other couple I’ve ever experienced. They were a real team. Mr. Long minded the fields and property across the street from us while I was growing up. I would watch Mrs. Long walk to take him lunch in those fields often. They would sit out under the shade trees on the side of the field and eat while they talked. Many of their family members had been slaves to the owners of that property. As I sat in the swing and watched them, I could hear their laughter and love come flowing from them. They were so positive and thanked God openly and often for taking care of them as they moved through life. I was fortunate that they shared that with me as well.

If you have children, you MUST read this one…

Making your children a priority in your life – I use PE’s Dad as an example here. His father was always making his family a priority in his life by participating in meals with the family on a regular basis, sharing in the carpool duties, and spending lots of quality time with PE. I truly believe that Pierce spent more time with PE in six years than many fathers do in 20 years. To this day, PE still remembers many of the good times he spent with his Dad. What a gift this was for him and what a difference it can make in any child’s life.

These families “Must be Doin’ Something Right.” None of them would ever say they have/had perfect marriages or family lives, but each of them has shared a quality worth mentioning here.

My wish for you today: That you will make a commitment to yourself to do something better or different in your marriage or relationship. None of us are perfect, but we all will be better off if we strive to do something right (or better) in our personal relationships.

~Joellen

Did you hear about the guy who traded in his gun at eight years old to buy his grandma a washing machine?

About 50 years ago, Terry felt sorry for his grandmother because she didn’t have one. He decided to take the only think he owned that was worth anything to a local pawn shop and trade it for that machine for his grandma.

When it was delivered, she almost didn’t take it. It was only after she found out her grandson had sold his prized possession that she would let them in the house with it.

Eight years old.

I was riding bikes and playing baseball with the boys at my family’s country home 50 years ago. My parents encouraged me to be good, but I’m just not sure I would have done something like that.

We know, as parents, it’s a good thing to teach our children to share with others. To start teaching this early to our children, and to practice these kinds of “random acts of kindness” ourselves, gives us a sense of purpose. It reminds us there’s something bigger than us in the world.

You just never know what kind of lasting impact you will have by giving like this. It may be years in the making before you know. Or, you may never realize the impact -other than knowing it made you feel good to do it.

Terry is 57 today. Recently a new acquaintance realized he had actually acquired the very gun Terry sold years ago for that washing machine. He drove to Terry’s home to give it back to him. Terry gladly accepted it and tells the story with humility today.

My wish for you today: That you will practice at least one random act of kindness and vow to make it a daily ritual in your life. The world will be a little bit better place because of you.

~Joellen

I was on my way down to Charleston, South Carolina on Friday. As usual, I tuned in to my favorite country music radio station and heard a song called “Just Give it Away.”

The story goes like this. The husband, who is singing, tells about his wife leaving – one of the many times she had left. He sings about he was sure she was just kidding UNTIL she said this to him – “that picture on the wall of us – on our wedding day – just give it away, just give it away.” The song goes on in that frame of mind until he says he realizes he doesn’t want to give it away…that he still loves her. Now I hope your marriage – if you’re married – never hits that low point. I’ll talk about that in another reflection soon.

As I was thinking of that term – just give it away – I thought of my minister friend, Bill. Bill is a great guy and has a real passion for helping others sort through things when they need a little help. He preaches some unusual sermons from time to time. He also has a unique ability to befriend people at bars and other “out of the mainstream” places to do his work.

Part of Bill’s ministry is encouraging others to “give it away” in a spiritual sense. He manages a large missions program at the church where members go on mission trips locally and internationally to both help and minister to others who are in need. In short, Bill also teaches others to “give it away”.

I once went on one of those ministry trips to Costa Rica. That was my second experience doing that. I learned that it is a selfless deed to participate in this kind of ministry. Some of our team members literally did give everything to the people we were with but the shoes and clothes they had on their backs.

Bill also encourages others to “give it away” in the form of money, time, and talents at the local church level. Lots of people do that at Bill’s church. Others have a much more difficult time sharing their good fortune with others. I suspect that, the more one practices “giving it away” the more it becomes part of their life.

I figure it’s all about priorities and where you are in life. Bill is good at helping others think about that. He’s not pushy, just keeps the though in front of people.

We need more people in this world like Bill.

My wish for you today: That you “give it away” to others in some way. Whether it’s helping at a food kitchen, listening to someone in despair, helping out in a faith based community of your choice, going on a mission trip, helping out with Habitat for Humanity…just give your time away unselfishly.

When one “gives it away” it helps you prioritize what’s important in life.

~Joellen

Eva makes the BEST banana pudding in the world.

She called yesterday to invite me to dinner in a couple of weeks. Her husband, Bill, is about to celebrate his birthday and they wanted to know if I would like to come and bring my boyfriend, Steve, along. Eva’s sister, Ruth, would be there as well. The four of us have traveled some together. We all enjoy each others company and we were definitely overdue for a visit. As I listened to the message on my cellphone, I found myself hoping Eva was going to make her banana pudding.

Bill answered the phone when I returned the call. We visited for a few minutes and made plans for the visit.

“We’ll be having salmon with all the fixings and Eva will make banana pudding.” Bill said.

“Yummy!” I exclaimed. “I’m in.”

Eva and Ruth made that banana pudding one time while we were vacationing. They brought all the ingredients along they needed, including the most important ingredient they would not do without – the Banana Pudding Bowl. This bowl had been their mother’s banana pudding bowl for years. Best I can remember it was used exclusively for the pudding and nothing else. We all agreed that to make banana pudding without that bowl would just not be the same.

This particular recipe takes a long time to make. They were kind enough to share the recipe with me but I will likely never make it. It takes way too long for me and I don’t have the patience to stay in the kitchen that long. Besides, I don’t have a banana pudding bowl like Eva’s.

I will also not eat banana pudding anywhere else after eating Eva’s. I already know it won’t taste the same and I’m not willing to have less than perfect banana pudding.

Eva and Ruth have told many stories about their family gatherings around the dinner table and having a long meal together. I’m not real sure families do this today as often as families did back then. One thing for sure, the banana pudding bowl was a regular at their house when they were growing up.

I’m looking forward to my visit with them. As we get older, we are happier and happier to be celebrating another birthday…more good times with good friends. I’m beginning to taste that banana pudding, too. Good friends and perfect banana pudding – what a combination!

My wish for you today: That you will develop friendships and memories with friends on a regular basis. Cherish the traditions you’ll share with each other. It makes our lives richer – just like that banana puddin’.