Reflections From a Country Girl

Yes, I’ve been listening to country music again.

I was laughing out loud in the car while I was driving to a mid afternoon meeting listening to this musical story. It got me ready for the words “the meeting was canceled” when I arrived.

In the song, Billy was having a pretty bad day and he decided to drown his woes with more than a few glasses of beer at the local watering hole.

As it can do with most of us, too much to drink can cloud our judgment. Billy hooks up with a woman that was – shall we say – not what he would even look at if he were sober. He doesn’t realize it because he had those “drank WAY too much” goggles on.

It occurs to me that life can be like that sometime. You know, it’s the “looking through rose colored glasses” for the boomers of us in the bunch.

There is something to say for the “Billy approach”…at least until the hangover gets there. We could all use a little loosening up sometimes. Now I don’t encourage over drinking as a way to resolve issues. Sometimes just not taking ourselves so seriously can be good for us.

I have no magic cure for the curves life throws at us. It does occur to me that there are some things worth thinking about when we find we are wound up in the stresses of the day.

1. Give yourself time to breath on an issue before you react to it. I call it “time out”. There is nothing wrong with saying you need to think about something before you react…especially if you are not happy with what’s going on.

2. Write down all the positives and negatives about the situation that are causing you stress and consider them carefully. Sometimes, writing it down can be a big help.

3. Exercise – Take a short walk, stretch, or do some other kind of healthy movement. That will get the cobwebs out.

4. Select the best plan of action for dealing with the situation and give it a try. I emphasize the “best” plan here. That means no one will get hurt physically or emotionally. Just resolve the issue in a positive fashion.

We all find ourselves frustrated on occasion. One of the worse things we can do is to keep adding frustration on top of frustration without resolving the issues. Poorer yet is that “beer goggle” approach where you just ignore it or try to drink it away in hopes “it will get better.”

If you find you can’t resolve an issue on your own, find someone you trust who can help you resolve it. There is nothing weak about doing that. In fact, smart people use all the resources they can to solve problems. Be smart.

My wish for you today: That you tackle life’s problems practically and with a goal of resolution that takes the high road. You’ll be proud of yourself for handling it that way. Then, you can go have that beer – or whatever liquid refreshment you care to – with friends.

Have a great day!

~Joellen

Donald Trump has made us look at the meaning of “you’re fired” in a whole new light.

We’ve all heard and seen people who find themselves in the same situation as those young professionals on his show. Hopefully they weren’t fired in quite the same way as Donald does it. Many times you just don’t see it coming with him. Even though everyone knows they could be the next to go on his show, it sometimes just happens when they least expect it.

So how is work for you? Does it all seem to be going well? Are there any hints that you may “get the ax” at some point? Does your company continually talk about cutting back? Could that mean your job?

While we can not live our lives worrying about this kind of occurrence, it can happen to the best of us.

One thing this should do is keep reminding us that we need to have a high integrity level at the workplace. You know what I mean, not so long at the break room, getting back on time from lunch, doing quality work, not doing personal things on company time, etc.

Making the boss think he/she simply can not do without you and giving it 150% instead of 50% is a good goal to have if you’re an employee. I always like to set a personal goal of making my boss think he is getting more than his money’s worth out of me.

For those of us with a high work integrity level who are working hard each day, have you given any thought to what you WOULD do if you were called into the office to be given a pink slip? In other words, besides being stunned, what would your plan of action be?

Let’s think about that for a minute.

A friend of mine is working in a very negative environment. She knows things aren’t going well. There are signs that she could be fired any minute, but she thinks they are really trying to make her quit. She sees the writing on the wall and is looking for another job but hasn’t been successful yet. She’s got lots of great experience and should be able to find something soon. Meanwhile, she hopes she can last through the escalating unconstructive situation at her office.

As we’ve talked about this, it seemed the right thing to do discuss a “plan of action” with her. I want to share some of the strategies we came up with just in case you find yourself in this position one day.

1. Always listen to the boss’s whole explanation. If you can do so, take notes. That will be helpful in thinking about what you want to say when the explanation is done.

2. Don’t get defensive. Maintain a calm attitude and be professional in everything you say. DO NOT get angry or lash out. Even if you are wronged, DO NOT use this time to “get it all off your chest.” Be smart and think about what you can do to get the most out of the situation.

3. Try to negotiate a longer stay. When possible, consider using some of the following strategies:
a. “If I am going to have to leave, let me help in the transition of a new person.”
b. “Let me get things in order for you before I leave so the initiative isn’t behind until you get someone else to do the work.”
c. I sure understand your reasons, but you are going to be in a bind if we don’t get this done. What if I stay until we complete the effort?
d. “Could you give me at least 3 weeks (longer if you can negotiate it) more so I can have a chance to get another job with benefits? You know what it’s like without insurance and my family, my health insurance, etc. is important to me.”

4. Talk about what a difference you have made with the company. Be specific.
a. Discuss how many years you’ve given to them and what you’ve accomplished.
b. Talk about the projects you are still working on and what losing a person who is familiar with that project will mean for the initiative.

5. If part of the problem is your production, ask if there are things you could do differently that may cause them to change their plans.
a. Could I work with you on a plan to improve over a period of, say 3 months and revisit this again then? (If this is a performance issue, you should be aware of the problems well before they let you go.)
b. Remind the boss that letting you go means they have to start from scratch and that will take time and money. Maybe the boss will consider your knowledge base about the company and program and will try to work things out with you.

6. If there is no other way around the firing, negotiate for:
a. Several original copies of a letter of reference – addressed specifically to – To Whom It May Concern – before you leave.
b. Ask if they could pay you for your vacation time you haven’t used.
c. Ask if they will consider paying your insurance for a month or so of transition.

All the answers to these may be “NO” but at least you asked.

As hard as it may be at the time, thank the boss for the opportunity to have worked there and ask if he/she will be able to give you a good reference for the things you’ve done well for them to any future employers.

Shake hands and leave…hopefully with an extended plan for being with the company.

These are just a few things to think about. Others – like retirement and other perks you had with the company – may be part of your plan of action as well.

My wish for you today: That you never find yourself hearing the words “you’re fired” and that you produce many years of work that is high quality and full of integrity. Just in case, think about how you can personalize a strategy to successfully survive this kind of experience and you’ll be ready to manage yourself professionally – should it occur.

~Joellen

I was up until almost 2:00 last night. News about a young friend kept racing in my mind.

On the television there appeared more and more information flashing across the screen about Lizzie having been murdered on the Blue Ridge Parkway.

I listened in disbelief as I heard more and more about the incident. “How could this be?” I said to myself.

Lizzie’s father had just died several years ago. My thoughts immediately turned to her mother.

If you have children, it’s the call none of us want to hear…the call that our child has been plucked from life at such a young age.

My thoughts raced as I remembered Lizzie in the plays at high school, remembered when my son told me her father died, remembered that she was in graduate school out of state. It had been awhile since I saw her. You know how it is after high school graduation. Everyone goes their own way and often don’t see each other again. I do remember she was a beautiful, independent, and confident girl. Her parents were proud of her and she loved them dearly. She was energetic and full of life.

They caught and killed the man they believe killed Lizzie late yesterday. It’s little consolation that he is dead, but at least he can’t do anything terrible to another human being.

So what kind of hope and inspiration is there when something like this happens?

In an ideal world, your child is not supposed to die before you. We know, today, that this world is anything but a peaceful, ideal place. However, ironically enough, in 2002 Lizzie won the South Carolina title for her peace essay and went on to be a finalist in the National Peace Essay Contest. Yes, she was a talented writer as well.

Lizzie’s legacy is one of hope and inspiration. She was a good student and lived life to the fullest. Her infectious personality was enjoyed by many of her friends, teachers, and family members. She taught those who knew her how to live life passionately and she wasn’t scared to say what was on her mind. She loved acting, but she never pretended in her relationships. She showed her vulnerable self to the world. She was an ethical and intelligent girl and knew how to embrace those strengths to make the world a more peaceful and harmonious place.

In many ways, Lizzie lived her life more fully than many of us. She has been an inspiration to those whose lives she touched and has given us the inspiration to be better at who we are.

My wish for you today: That you will live your life as fully as Lizzie did. Enjoy your work and your relationships, challenge yourself to be the best you can be – and hope that – when your time comes to leave this earth – you will be remembered for making the world a better place.

Thanks for sharing that with us, Lizzie. We will miss your spirit but will smile when we think of you.

~Joellen

Remember the song – Will You Still Love Me When I’m 64? The Beatles made it famous many years ago. It’s stuck in my head for the day, now. If you’re a boomer, you may be humming the tune yourself.

I had to travel to Washington last week for a meeting. My work was finished sooner than expected so I decided to get to the airport early and go on standby in hopes of getting back to South Carolina before dark. I settled down in a seat up against the wall so I could see out across the scores of fellow passengers. I love watching people and this was the perfect place to do it.

Across from me, not far from the window, I noticed someone in a wheelchair. That, in itself, is not so unusual. What I saw next, however, was anything but usual.

The man in the wheelchair appeared to be in his late 20s or early 30s. The attentive young woman accompanying him had to be close to the same age.

I could hear their conversation.

She had gotten their boarding passes and helped him over to the window so he could watch the planes coming and going. “We love to watch these planes, don’t we?” She said as she gave him a hug.

The young man smiled as he spoke of the planes. He struggled to get his words out and they were hard for me to understand. She, however, heard and understood every word. Their conversation went from the planes to the trip they had taken to visit friends. It had been a great time for them and they were ready to go home and back to their lives there.

As she leaned over I saw a wedding ring on her hand. He had one on as well, so I assume they were married.

They kissed and hugged a number of times in that hour we waited for our flights. It was obvious they loved each other deeply.

Many unanswered questions rolled around in my head as I sat there observing them – and trying to do it without staring. I found myself wondering if they had recently married or had something happened to him after they were married that caused him to be wheelchair bound. Regardless of what the answers may have been, I saw a mature love between those two. It was touching to watch their interaction.

You may or may not be in a relationship with someone you love today.

We all know that loving relationships take work. Sometimes we can get into such a relationship rut that we become stagnant. I’ve seen that happen over and over again. It’s easy to get into one and hard to get out of it. But, you can get out of it. It just takes acknowledging that rut and working through it with a willing partner.

My wish for you today: That you find the kind of love that couple in the airport had at least once in your life. If you are in a healthy and loving relationship already, I hope you cherish it and renew your commitment. One should never have to ask you “Will You Still Love Me When I’m 64?” They should always know what that answer is. If you find yourself in a relationship rut, I encourage you to take a serious look at it and see what you need to do. Life is just too short to stay stuck.

~Joellen

When you’ve lived and worked in as many places with young people as I have over the years, you get to know lots of people. Some of them you know casually and others you get to know through more personal encounters.

In the ministry, and, come to think of it, in any helping profession, you just never know what kind of lasting impression you may have on a young person. Some let you know, but many do not.

Kermit the Frog – a popular children’s television character in the early 1980s – is one that I will remember forever.

Kermit, better known here as Berry, was a teenager when we met. He lived in Lancaster and was part of a youth group at a church my husband was serving as a minister.

The youth group was putting on a show as part of one of our many family events. Everyone was excited as the families gathered together. There was always LOTS of food at these kinds of gatherings. This one was no exception.

We had eaten and were well into the program when I spotted something green from the corner of my eye. As I turned to get a clearer look I could see it was someone in a Kermit the Frog costume. He went on to sing one of the songs that made Kermit famous and received a standing ovation for his humor, singing ability and stage presence. It was our young friend, Berry.

My husband and I had always hoped we would have children. He was great with young people and he and Berry hit it off right away. I remember Pierce said that he’d love to have a son just like Berry. They were good friends all the way through Pierce’s ministry there and the two of them kept in touch long after we left that church and moved to another area of South Carolina.

My husband died some years later and Berry and I lost touch. It was over 20 years later before he spotted me in a downtown Columbia restaurant. We had a chance to catch up and remember the good days in Lancaster.

Funny how things happen like that.

Berry sings today with a well known vocal group in the area and I’ve had a chance to hear them several times. I envision him in that green outfit when he sings today…even though his singing has taken him in a different direction.

“Kermit” sent me an e-mail today. His words touched me as I read them and recalled another important part of life…

Here are some things he said.

“I remember when Pierce’s father died. I was a junior in high school…Pierce asked me to go with him to help clean out his father’s condo. I was glad to do it…”

“It was an interesting time in my life – that transition from early adolescence to late adolescence, and on into a shaky early adulthood.”

“Looking back on that weekend I helped Pierce, it seems like one of the rare times I was with an adult that treated me as though I was an adult.

Pierce always did that.

Now that I’m older, I realize that the age difference between us couldn’t have been that great, but at that age, there were grown-ups and kids, and there was a pretty distinct line. We cleaned, and talked, and threw stuff out, and talked, and went to eat, and talked. I can’t remember a single conversation, or even a topic, but I remember being comfortable, and being listened to, and being respected for who I was.”

“My relationship with Pierce really did a lot to change my impression of ministers. Before I knew him – ministers seemed to be apart from people…not subject to the same world that lay people have to deal with. I think a lot of the population sees them that way – without the faults and human qualities of regular people. I think it’s a shame – and bad for both sides.”

“Pierce was real – and I’m glad I knew him. He shaped my relationships with all kinds of people since then, but especially with my priests. I appreciated that about him. I’m glad I knew him.”

“And I’m glad I know you.”

Berry

I really appreciated getting this e-mail from my friend “Kermit” and wanted to share it with you today. Thanks, Berry, for taking the time to write.

My wish for you today: That you realize the leaders in your faith community are human just like you are. They make mistakes, they have joys and sorrows, they are doing the best they can to serve their community and be spiritual leaders. I encourage you to get to know your faith leaders and thank them for their service. Your life will likely be enriched by that experience, just like Kermit’s.

~Joellen