Must Be Doin’ Something Right
If you read yesterday’s reflection, you know I was listening to country music on a trip I took recently.
I love the names of country songs. There’s just something about them that take you to places you sometimes want, and sometimes don’t want, to go.
Must Be Doin’ Something Right is one of those songs that takes my mind to places I want to go.
Pierce and I were married for almost 12 years. While you wouldn’t say we were the perfect couple, we were good for each other most of the time.
Pierce was a minister. It’s not easy being married to a minister. It often felt like you were on display all the time and seemed that people scrutinized you more than you wanted them to. I figured that came along with the package and, since I knew what I was getting myself in to, I dealt with it as positively as possible.
Pierce died over 18 years ago when my son – I’ll call him PE here – was six. I worked diligently at finding families for him to be around after his Dad died. For those families I could only tell him about, I talked with him often about them and how important they were to me as I was growing up. I wanted to make sure he saw and heard what kind of positive qualities a healthy family should strive to have so he would know how to be the best family man he could be if and when the time came.
I’ve compiled a short list of some significant qualities that have stood out in my mind. I’ll add to them as time goes on. Just in case you get the idea that these families are near perfect, they are not. There are, however, various strengths within these families that have stood out to make a difference in our lives.
Sticking by you through thick and thin – Carol and Kevin are my son’s Aunt and Uncle on his father’s side. They have taught PE how long lasting and consistent love can have a positive impact on your life. PE and I had some rough times with each other for awhile and Carol and Kevin were, and still are, the mainstays through his life. Carol and Kevin love Pierce as though he is their own. They have loved him unconditionally and have stuck with him through rough times when I was about to pull my hair out with him. I am so grateful for their continued love and connection with us. They are a vital part of our family unit even today.
Forgiveness – In many of the families mentioned here I have seen the regular act of forgiveness when people – both parents and children – made mistakes. Since we all make mistakes, it is wise to learn how to practice this no matter where you are – in the workplace, at home and in your community. Take a look at my reflection on September 12th for more details on this one.
Compassion – Compassion is probably one of the most important qualities in a loving relationship. This quality lies deep within the soul. If your parents didn’t teach this to you early, it’s hard to catch up…but it can be done. My best family example of this are my friends Mike and Mary Carolyn. They have six children and all of them went into helping professions. Many of them are doctors and lawyers. They are an amazing family. Mike is a doctor and Mary Carolyn is a remarkable mother. Together, they helped their children blossom into exceptionally compassionate individuals while practicing selflessness at the same time.
Trust – Pierce has had the chance to see how important trust is in a relationship through my friendship with Pat and Merry. They live nearby with their two girls, Madison and Allie. I met Merry in a church choir and we’ve been friends ever since. Pierce is very aware that I trust these two with just about anything. He knows that trust is a critical thing for me to be able to have in my life since I am a single parent. Seeing me have this trusting relationship with both of them has been important for PE. He knows they don’t only trust each other, but they can share a trusting relationship together. Thanks, Pat and Merry, for sharing that gift with me and setting that example for my child, and yours, to see.
Compatibility – George and Nieves are the most compatible couple I know. PE has been lifelong friends with their sons – particularly Alfred. There were times during a week or month when PE lived there with them more than with me. PE loves Nieves’ cooking. George and Nieves come from different cultural backgrounds but their life together has been one of embracing each others difference and making remarkable contributions to the community in a way that few other couples have done. They both love mathematics and work professionally in private and public colleges. I have watched how strong their relationship is and how compatible they are with each other. I am so glad PE has been a part of their lives.
Spirituality – Chris and his wife, Barbara, came to serve the church where we had been when my husband died. Shortly after they arrived, they lost one of their sons in a tragic accident in that small community. Not too terribly long after that, Chris was diagnosed with a lethal form of cancer and had a stem cell transplant. He was prepared to die only to discover that he would be the only one to survive that surgery. It’s been over 16 years and Chris is alive and well. Because of these experiences, spirituality was redefined in Chris and Barbara’s life. Their living example of how life’s challenges change your spiritual journey has been a strong example for PE. He has “redefined†his spirituality several times as a young man and will, I’m sure, continue to do so. I’m so glad he had a chance to see Chris and Barbara in action as they embraced their religious beliefs and support base in their times of challenge.
Giving each other space to be individuals as well as a couple – There is one couple, Mary Jane and Darrell, that are great examples of this. Both Mary Jane and Darrell are exceptional musicians and educators in their own rights. Mary Jane teachers at a magnet school in the Washington, DC area and Darrell is an education director for a prestigious national institute. They both love their work, yet they are a strong couple with great love and care for each other. They are such a strong team that their spirit strengthens you when you are in their presence.
Humor – While PE did not actually see these people in action, he heard me talk often of Mr. and Mrs. Long. They laughed with each other more than any other couple I’ve ever experienced. They were a real team. Mr. Long minded the fields and property across the street from us while I was growing up. I would watch Mrs. Long walk to take him lunch in those fields often. They would sit out under the shade trees on the side of the field and eat while they talked. Many of their family members had been slaves to the owners of that property. As I sat in the swing and watched them, I could hear their laughter and love come flowing from them. They were so positive and thanked God openly and often for taking care of them as they moved through life. I was fortunate that they shared that with me as well.
If you have children, you MUST read this one…
Making your children a priority in your life – I use PE’s Dad as an example here. His father was always making his family a priority in his life by participating in meals with the family on a regular basis, sharing in the carpool duties, and spending lots of quality time with PE. I truly believe that Pierce spent more time with PE in six years than many fathers do in 20 years. To this day, PE still remembers many of the good times he spent with his Dad. What a gift this was for him and what a difference it can make in any child’s life.
These families “Must be Doin’ Something Right.†None of them would ever say they have/had perfect marriages or family lives, but each of them has shared a quality worth mentioning here.
My wish for you today: That you will make a commitment to yourself to do something better or different in your marriage or relationship. None of us are perfect, but we all will be better off if we strive to do something right (or better) in our personal relationships.
~Joellen