Reflections From a Country Girl

If you know the country song, Settle for a Slow Down you have a smile on your face right about now.

Dierks Bentley apparently ticked his girl off and she drops him like a hot cake on the side of the road in the pouring rain.

It has to be a pretty long and straight road ’cause he sings about seeing her lights for miles down the road.

Dierks is in high hopes throughout the song that she will at least put her breaks on, thinking about what she might be missing as she drives off. As the song progresses; he says he would just feel a little better if he could see the break lights come on once or twice…and that he would settle for a just a slowdown. It never happens.

Have you ever made you man or woman mad enough to do that to you?

Maybe you deserved it.

Maybe not.

Whatever it was that happened could likely have been avoided by stopping the altercation prior to the event escalating to the point of no return.

During the holidays, it’s real easy for things to get fast paced and, before you know it, the intensity of the season and trying to do way too many things in one short period can get to the best of us.

That’s just about the time when something is said, not done, or done the wrong way…and bam…”Houston, we have a problem!”

Since we all likely have been in this situation, we can all understand that. If we could just slowdown a little bit, we could readjust our focus and take a little stress off.

Today is the first day of what promises to be a very busy December. While many of the things you see on your schedule look and sound like lots of fun, you may want to review it carefully with your spouse/significant other or just yourself on a pretty regular basis between now and the first of the year.

Too much of a good thing can turn out bad when it doesn’t give you time for yourself or your family.

Your body and your soul, not to mention those who are closest to you, will be very aware of the extra stresses during this time of year. Children can often act out in response to your mood…and actually, so can your other loved ones…particularly if they are stressed, too.

My wish for you today is that you learn how to balance your life with just the right amount of slowdown – clearing your head and your heart for the important things in life. You and your family will be much happier and you will likely avoid many of the pitfalls of a rushed and busy season.

~Joellen

I went to my chiropractor yesterday. If you’ve even developed a healthy relationship with your doctor or chiropractor, you know a good one is worth his/her weight in gold.

My chiropractor is more than that. He’s become a friend as well. I met him one day when he was paying a professional home visit to some other friends of mine. Good thing about him is that he will do a home visit if you need him to.

Remember doctors who use to make house calls? They are so rare these days.

My chiropractor and his wife are two remarkable people. I’ve never met her, but I know they both dropped down from heaven to be among us for awhile.

Why?

They’ve had a part in raising four children who are all in their 20s now. That, in itself, is an amazing accomplishment.

In addition to that, they have just become foster parents for two teenage boys. These boys, being normal teenagers, also have been in need of someone who can help them learn to make better decisions while experiencing a stable home environment. Not that they have to be perfect, mind you, but just be better at making responsible decisions for themselves.

Would you take two teenage boys into your home?

As I listen to my foster parent friend I realize you have to have a special place in your heart and soul to invite unknown teens to live with you in your home for a long period of time. I do know that he and his wife have a commitment to making this work for the boys and for themselves.

As I learned about the opportunities and joys the boys have brought into the friends household, I also suspect there are some adjustments and challenges for them. After all, those teen years can provide lots of ups and downs. You know what I mean if you’ve survived raising a teen. If you’re a teen right now and reading this, you also know what I’m talking about. It can be a pretty stressful time in life.

I am reminded of two songs that made me think of these folks early this morning.

I Believe in You was performed by Boy Dylan back in 1979. He talks about the faith he has in someone he cares about and that they can make it through because “I believe in you.”

Then there is the song “How do you Mend a Broken Heart?” that the Bee Gees sang some years ago.

Though the boys probably don’t see it this way right now, I suspect that they are in great need of someone who can help them mend their broken hearts and someone who will believe in them through their teen years.

I hear that they are surrounded by people who care and believe in them…and who are determined to help them succeed. If they take advantage of the situation and work diligently to make good choices, I suspect they will succeed in life and have a greater appreciate than many for having survived the challenges.

Time will tell.

Many of us have that kind of love and support and rarely think of doing without it.

These boys deserve the same thing and their foster parents are working diligently to help them have that as a normal part of their lives.

My wish for you today is that you have a chance to know and support a foster parent. My life is richer for knowing my chiropractor friend and I look forward to meeting the boys and his wife soon. My wish for you today – if you are a teenager in a foster home setting – or really any home – is that you have a healthy and loving relationship with those people, remembering that there are always good folks along your path that will provide you with a strong and loving connection to life if you let them. I believe in you and so do many others who will meet you and find you a wonderful person to be around.

~Joellen

“May the Force be With You” – from the movie – Star Wars (1977) has been a quote worth reckoning with for years. This title either made you laugh out loud or touches a tender cord in your inner being as you think of difficult people in your life.

If you’re married, ever have been, ever will be, or have a significant other, the family of your loved one will almost always be a consideration. Hopefully, they will be, as my deceased husband’s parents and family were and continue to be, a blessing and a support.

But what if you have the in-laws – or potential in-laws – from hell?

We’ve seen the horrors of that relationship in many movies these last ten years. A prime example is the movie “Meet the Fockers.” Though I laughed all the way through that tale, it was all too obvious that there were and are some unhealthy patterns that can brew when it comes to in-laws.

So how do you survive if you find yourself in one of the Fockers situations?

Here are a few thoughts to consider:

1. First thing to do is to always check out your posture around the in-laws. Are you expecting an uncomfortable time when around them or are you as pleasant, hospitable, thoughtful and caring as possible? Your mood can often set the tone. Consider making some subtle changes in yourself if what you are doing is not working. You are the only one that has complete control of the way you handle the situation. Make sure you are not part of the problem.

2. Remember, they may never change. If they warm up to you, that’s great. But if they don’t, it doesn’t mean you can’t just get smarter and better at dealing with them.

3. If you are visiting at their place, talk about what the plans are and ask your loved one to ask that they be respectful of both of you when there. If they agree, then fine. If not, then you may want to make some plans to do other things in order to avoid that event.

4. Respect is not optional. If you are at their place and a situation occurs that is way out of line, make a plan with your loved one ahead of time about what to do. You’ve likely developed a pattern history and know exactly what may occur. You both should agree on a strategy that will support each other. If it means quietly leaving the scene and you’ve both agreed ahead of time that is what the plan of action will be, then you’ll be fine with that strategy when you need to proceed. (It would be helpful if the in-laws know that is the plan ahead of time.) You should have a simple statement prepared and ready that your spouse or significant other will say as you leave. Something like, “You know, you don’t have to be in love with Mary like I am, but you do have to treat her with respect if you want us to be here. I love you both but we do not have to be around this kind of behavior if is disrespectful to either of us.”

5. If you’ve been brave enough to invite them for the holidays, you should consider the same course of action ahead of time. Not sure why you invited them if you know they will behave that way, but traditions make us do funny things. Just make a plan as you are charting out the rest of the visit…but always with a respectful tone.

6. Consider skipping the holiday visits altogether and the two of you go off or stay home and have a relaxing time. If you two love each other deeply, this will be a time you can cherish.

7. If #6 won’t work, consider planning holiday time before and after the holiday with them…not right in the middle of an already stressful holiday season. You don’t HAVE to be there that day and time with everyone else. It’s always an option to visit at another time when stresses are at a lower stage.

8. NEVER, NEVER lose your temper or demeanor with them. ALWAYS be calm and forthright.

9. You can only use these techniques successfully if you are not part of the problem. If you are part of the problem, then make sure you work on fixing yours first in order to build a more healthy relationship with these folks.

10. It takes time to build trust with difficult people. Remember that your loved one has lived with this all his/her life. There may be some patterns that are very difficult to break, so be patient with the love of your life when it comes to the parents. He/she may be doing the best that can be done at that moment.

11. Remember, little steps are significant. A successful visit with no disrespect is something to be celebrated between the two of you later.

My wish for you today is that you have a relationship with a spouse or significant other that is free from in-law stresses. If not, then my hope is that you two agree to deal with that together in a respectful fashion – always putting your relationship and love first as you make decisions together about how to handle the challenge.

May the force be with you!

~Joellen

Have you even taken the time to look inside your house from the outside? I mean really just stopped to take a look inside?

I was listening to the radio again today on the way to a meeting when the country song, My Front Porch Looking in came on. LoneStar sings about finally owning a little piece of land where he can see the sun rise and the moon lay on the fences.

He then does something that, I suspect, many of us have not taken the time to do. He turns his head and takes a look inside to see what it looks like there. It’s in that moment that he sees the most beautiful view he says he’ll ever see…a family he adores a woman he loves.

While many of us do not fit the bill of the traditional family and we may even live alone, what does the inside of our home say about us?

I took a look when I unlocked the door last night…I’d left the lights on and I could see inside from the car. It was when I stood at the door after I opened it that I saw the most.

What I saw was years of accumulated furniture, pictures, and items that had stories to tell of their own. In fact, there aren’t many things in there that were just bought or accumulated for no reason.

When I looked in I saw a small table carefully built by a good friend, Chris, and another built by a friend, Clarence, who has long since passed away. His daughter and I are still friends today. I saw a chair my Aunt Dud sat in for 47 years teaching 5th graders in Wilmington, NC. There’s a picture of my son in fireman’s gear when he was six and a wall full of pictures of he, his Dad, our friends, my cowboy and his mother…some who have died and others who are an active part of my life today.

In another part of the room is a framed poem penned by my son when he was very young and given to me by his Aunt for a present one year. Then there is a family made quilt that has to be over 100 years old and is carefully placed on the back of my easy chair to wrap up in when I’m cold. A copy of my new book lays open, face down, on the ottoman nearby…years of hard work in the making with many stories about the family and friends during my 55 years.

As I walked in and looked at the rest of the house, I realized I have a home with real character…that represents years of being a single Mom raising a wonderful young man who is now 23. I thought about the years of having him and his friends burst into the door and bound upstairs to his bedroom…a room which is now my craft room where friends and their children and others come to make jewelry, lamps and creative projects. There have been hours of memories spent there making surprise gifts for others since my son moved out on his own.

I think I’m saying that my house is a beautiful place to me, full of memories and love that were and are healthy and good.

I encourage you to take a look at your home from the outside, and look at what it represents to you. Is it all about healthy living with family and friends that you love and care for?

If you see things going on in your home that do not produce good memories, you should consider what you can do to make that different. What a shame it would be if you only see pain when you look into the door of your home.

You and yours deserve better.

My wish for you today is that you can see good things when you look into your home – be it a small apartment or a spacious house. If you can’t, then consider making changes so that you can say, like the song, ” I see what beautiful is about when I’m looking in.”

~Joellen

As you consider your many talents, is “expert shopper” one of those?

If so, you were likely out before sunrise Friday morning to get the best bargains – and there were lots of them according to the retailers.

Shopping has become the passion of many in the US today. I am reminded of the famous saying “I’ll have what she’s having” out of the movie When Harry Met Sally (1989).

If you saw that movie, you know the lady who made that statement was not talking about shopping, but that’s what many shoppers today are thinking as they rush from one place to another to beat someone else out of a bargain or get that long list of holiday gift buying completed.

When DID we get this way as a society?

It must be the old “better than the Jones'” philosophy…the bigger house, bigger car, bigger everything. My Aunt Mary from Wales says that many people there think the US is all about things being bigger and better.

Fact is, in the big scheme of things, none if this bigger and better stuff is all that important. Of course, you wouldn’t know it from the advertisements on television, the ads connected to many of our internet access programs and billboards. Even buses have advertisement on the side and sports arenas are filled with them. Did you notice how THICK the newspaper was this week? I could hardly carry it all in without an ad falling out because most of it was advertising!

It all boils down to priorities.

We don’t have to have the same things everyone else has. We can be comfortable in a smaller home, a more economic car, less expensive – non designer – clothes and do lots more with our money than buying, and being in debt, with larger and more costly items.

During this season of excesses, why not consider adopting the “less is better” attitude and get a grip on perpetuating the atmosphere of excesses?

You, your waistline, and your pocketbook will appreciate it.

Oh, and while you’re at it, consider even giving some of your wealth and time away. That’s a novel approach for many of us. Sharing with those who are less fortunate can be quite satisfying and giving some of that shopping time away to volunteer may be extremely good for you and the recipients.

My wish for you today is that you find a way to make your life simpler and more reasonably free of excesses around this holiday season. You may find that taking the time to do this will be more rewarding and satisfying than you thought.

~Joellen