May the Force be With You or Dealing with Difficult In-Laws
“May the Force be With You” – from the movie – Star Wars (1977) has been a quote worth reckoning with for years. This title either made you laugh out loud or touches a tender cord in your inner being as you think of difficult people in your life.
If you’re married, ever have been, ever will be, or have a significant other, the family of your loved one will almost always be a consideration. Hopefully, they will be, as my deceased husband’s parents and family were and continue to be, a blessing and a support.
But what if you have the in-laws – or potential in-laws – from hell?
We’ve seen the horrors of that relationship in many movies these last ten years. A prime example is the movie “Meet the Fockers.” Though I laughed all the way through that tale, it was all too obvious that there were and are some unhealthy patterns that can brew when it comes to in-laws.
So how do you survive if you find yourself in one of the Fockers situations?
Here are a few thoughts to consider:
1. First thing to do is to always check out your posture around the in-laws. Are you expecting an uncomfortable time when around them or are you as pleasant, hospitable, thoughtful and caring as possible? Your mood can often set the tone. Consider making some subtle changes in yourself if what you are doing is not working. You are the only one that has complete control of the way you handle the situation. Make sure you are not part of the problem.
2. Remember, they may never change. If they warm up to you, that’s great. But if they don’t, it doesn’t mean you can’t just get smarter and better at dealing with them.
3. If you are visiting at their place, talk about what the plans are and ask your loved one to ask that they be respectful of both of you when there. If they agree, then fine. If not, then you may want to make some plans to do other things in order to avoid that event.
4. Respect is not optional. If you are at their place and a situation occurs that is way out of line, make a plan with your loved one ahead of time about what to do. You’ve likely developed a pattern history and know exactly what may occur. You both should agree on a strategy that will support each other. If it means quietly leaving the scene and you’ve both agreed ahead of time that is what the plan of action will be, then you’ll be fine with that strategy when you need to proceed. (It would be helpful if the in-laws know that is the plan ahead of time.) You should have a simple statement prepared and ready that your spouse or significant other will say as you leave. Something like, “You know, you don’t have to be in love with Mary like I am, but you do have to treat her with respect if you want us to be here. I love you both but we do not have to be around this kind of behavior if is disrespectful to either of us.”
5. If you’ve been brave enough to invite them for the holidays, you should consider the same course of action ahead of time. Not sure why you invited them if you know they will behave that way, but traditions make us do funny things. Just make a plan as you are charting out the rest of the visit…but always with a respectful tone.
6. Consider skipping the holiday visits altogether and the two of you go off or stay home and have a relaxing time. If you two love each other deeply, this will be a time you can cherish.
7. If #6 won’t work, consider planning holiday time before and after the holiday with them…not right in the middle of an already stressful holiday season. You don’t HAVE to be there that day and time with everyone else. It’s always an option to visit at another time when stresses are at a lower stage.
8. NEVER, NEVER lose your temper or demeanor with them. ALWAYS be calm and forthright.
9. You can only use these techniques successfully if you are not part of the problem. If you are part of the problem, then make sure you work on fixing yours first in order to build a more healthy relationship with these folks.
10. It takes time to build trust with difficult people. Remember that your loved one has lived with this all his/her life. There may be some patterns that are very difficult to break, so be patient with the love of your life when it comes to the parents. He/she may be doing the best that can be done at that moment.
11. Remember, little steps are significant. A successful visit with no disrespect is something to be celebrated between the two of you later.
My wish for you today is that you have a relationship with a spouse or significant other that is free from in-law stresses. If not, then my hope is that you two agree to deal with that together in a respectful fashion – always putting your relationship and love first as you make decisions together about how to handle the challenge.
May the force be with you!
~Joellen