Reflections From a Country Girl

I’ve been watching this television show lately called Men in Trees. It comes on Thursday nights.

The show is about small town life far away from the big city. A city girl – who is a relationship expert – goes there to discover lots about living and loving the people and the place.

A great many of the shows thus far deal with men. The relationships are often humorous, sometime serious, and always thought provoking.

Tonight, there was a comment that stuck with me. It went something like this.

“It’s not what you did in the past; it’s what you do today, tomorrow and in the future.”

Though it’s a pretty simple statement, it’s also very profound.

When you’re in the heat of the moment, sometimes you say and do things you don’t really mean. Sometimes you also say and do things that you really wanted to do before and just didn’t quite have the courage to until the situation presented itself. Then, there are times when you should do something and you just didn’t quite take care of it.

You know what I mean. We’ve all been there at some time in our life.

Some of us are there often.

So do you find yourself in one of those situations? Perhaps you did something you shouldn’t have? Perhaps you have yet to do something you should have? Or maybe you just blurted it all out without a thought of whom or what might get hurt.

When you find yourself in a scenario like this, it’s important to take care of unfinished business. It can eat away at your very being if you don’t. While it may be scary or even frightening to tackle the issues, it is also important for your self confidence and personal growth to deal with whatever it is that’s holding you back from being a better you.

Is there a risk in tackling the tough issues?

You bet there is.

Sometimes it is easier not to deal with the situation. The hard part comes when you keep putting it off until it becomes ingrained in your soul. Then, you can get in trouble and find it hard to ever get out. It is true that sometimes we wait a little too long to deal with issues and it takes them to the point of no return. When that happens, it’s a sad day for many people…but the saddest day is for that person who is not brave enough to deal with the issue that’s holding him or her back.

My wish for you today is that – if you have an issue that needs to be dealt with or a challenge that needs to be addressed – you do it with the confidence and respect that you know you need to have to manage it responsibly. If you will take the risk and deal with the issue, you will feel better and more confident about it…and will likely make a good choice that is right for you.

I wish you all the best as you consider the statement – “It’s not what you did in the past. It’s what you do today, tomorrow and in the future.”

~ Joellen

I talked with a business colleague from Charleston early yesterday morning. We had been discussing a project I might be working with her on as a contractor. As we reviewed the timeline, our conversation turned to dealing with time limitations around my schedule and led to talking about families.

The colleague had just recently married and moved to Charlotte, NC. They blended household goods and are fairly settled now. She and her new husband are happy starting their lives together.

Included in the blending of these two households were four important things.

The family now includes two young children of hers and two of his.

Don’t know about you, but I think people who try to blend two families together should have a special place in heaven for attempting that.

It’s one thing to love someone. It’s quite another to expect a child to manage that well…much less four of them.

I heard the short version of the family working diligently to make this a successful transition for all of them. I am sure there are issues – though she concentrated on the positives. A house full of six people would be full of opportunities and challenges for any family. To blend two together could present even more of a test.

As I listened to this colleague talk about her new family, I could tell she had a special place in her heart for each one that resides in their home. Like I said, it takes a very special person.

My sister and her husband have a blended family, also. It has been a blessing to see them work with that to build a strong base of support and care. She has two. He has three. While the children are older now and either out on their own or soon to be, they made some remarkable sacrifices for the children early in their relationship. I’m proud of them for managing things the way they do.

Here are some ideas to think about if you find yourself in – or contemplating being in – a blended family:

~~ Celebrate the uniqueness of each individual and encourage that individuality.

~~ Give all involved plenty of time to build a positive relationship with others.

~~ Understand that it takes longer for some to warm up to the idea of blending families.

~~ Make sure each person in the family has a personal space that is their own at your home. It doesn’t matter how big, but each person really needs his/her own defined space to retreat to when needing to get away or concentrate.

~~ Take time to focus on each child as often as possible. In a large family, that will be harder, but it can be done with some planning. Each one needs to know you value them as an individual, as well as a part of the bigger picture.

~~ When problems do arise, and they will, have a plan with the other adult in the family so you both handle the situation effectively as a team.

~~ If there are problems you can’t manage, get some outside help to sort through it. All of us can use a little extra help from time to time.

~~ Take time to be with your spouse to confirm your love for him/her. Having a “date” every once in a while is good for the two of you AND good for the family to see. Set that positive example of how important it is to be attentive to your spouses’ needs as well. For this one, a “date” is just the two of you!

~~ Thank your spouse frequently for being a part of your life. Be creative about how you do that and enjoy it.

My wish for you today is that – if you find yourself in the possibility and opportunity of a blended family – you make it the healthiest one possible. If you’re not in a blended family situation, my wish for you today is that you have the opportunity to see what a healthy blended family is all about. It will be an uplifting experience to see that in action.

~Joellen

There aren’t many of us who don’t remember this statement from the movie Forrest Gump. Forrest gave new meaning to a box of chocolates.

While I savor a good chocolate, I try my best not to keep boxes of chocolate near me. I would eat the whole thing without realizing it, and would discover all of it went straight to my – already well endowed – hips.

You’ve gotta love that statement from Forrest, though. Like he says, ” you never know what you’re gonna get.”

Yes, life can be good and it can just as equally be full of challenges. We all have them…the good times and the bad.

So how do you handle life when it throws you a curve?

An old friend stopped by yesterday evening. He and his wife have two beautiful children. We had sung together on a music ministry team for years but it had been awhile since I’d seen him or his family.

Looking at them from the outside, you see a perfect family.

Interesting thing about these folks, though, is that they have had guests in their home much of the past two years that could have been a challenge for any of us.

First, her parents sold their home in a town two hours away and moved in with this family while they were building their own home locally. Months later the house was ready and they moved in, only to discover that the husband had a rapid disease that killed him less than two months after they moved.

I had met and spent some time with those parents. He was a retired minister. He and his wife had served others for years as a team. It was a shame that they wouldn’t be able to share their new home together any longer.

But there are blessings in all this.

My friend said “You know. It was wonderful for them to be with us during those months of transition. My children got to really know and love them even more than they already did. They were involved with us in events surrounding the grandchildren and family. It was a good time.”

Recently, my friend’s own parents moved in with them while they transitioned from one home to another. They are just as glad to have that time with them at their home as well.

Would you welcome your parents into your home like this family has?

I didn’t expect that I would hear this family embraced their parents for a long stay at their home, but I am not surprised. They are two loving and caring adults who seem to have a good relationship, thrive in a loving environment, and obviously had a strong and healthy family base with their loved ones.

I have another set of friends that have just taken her ailing mother in to stay with them. There are a multitude of brothers and sisters who could help, but she and her husband seem to be the only ones willing to have her mother with them for the long term.

While they love her mother, it is a struggle to have her there all the time. She must have constant care. However, she strongly believes she is doing the right thing and is loving her through her mother’s old age.

Yes, life IS like a box of cherries and you really don’t know what you will get. The way you handle it is an example for others, and believe, me – people are watching.

My wish for you today is that you have the chance to see others making sacrifices for the ones they love and that you support them through that journey. A positive attitude is a shining example for all of us….no matter what life hands us. Often, it can be a blessing in disguise. If you are the caregiver or offer your home to loved ones in transition, my wish for you today is that you find the silver lining in that encounter and that you have the strength, patience and endurance to manage it effectively.

~Joellen

Brooks and Dunn sing this great country song – It’s Getting Better all the Time – about a man who is struggling with a breakup. He sees light at the end of his tunnel…thought it’s a pretty melancholy musical journey to get there.

So how is your mood today?

Are you adjusting to a change in relationships like the man in the song? Are you one of the many that occasionally find themselves depressed or feeling lonelier around the holiday season?

I hear that if you take the things that are happening to you right now and put them on a timeline – with good above the line and bad below the line – you will find that those things that were below the line will almost always rise to a space above the line. It so often just takes a little time.

In my life, I have actually found that to be the case. Even through the death of a husband and child I have found hope and inspiration that has helped guide me to where I am today. They enriched my life and made me better at who I am. Now, that should be a ray of hope for any of us out there that are struggling with changes during this holiday season.

If you find yourself in a frame of mind where you need a little hope, consider these few thoughts:

1. Recognize that you may be in a stage of change in your life for many reasons. It’s natural to have change — or none of us would grow to be better at who we can and are becoming. Having significant adjustments in your life around a holiday can be more difficult, though…but there again, normal for your growth.

2. Acknowledge the feelings you have. They are real and should be recognized as ok at this point. It’s normal to have all those feelings, just as long as you don’t act any of them out in the form of physical or emotional anger to you or someone else. Just remember that lashing out is not responsible of you and can get you in trouble you don’t want in your life. If you find yourself at that place, seek out someone who can help you deal with that anger in a positive way. There again, it’s all about growth at this point…and we can all use that from time to time.

3. Make a list of all the good things in your life right now. You may be amazed that you have many things to be thankful for. Remind yourself that you are fortunate to be and have what you have.

4. Take your good fortune a bit further if you can. Share your time and talents with others who are less fortunate than you this season. There are many places to serve others throughout the year. Find that special nitch where you can make a difference as you count those blessings in your life and watch them grow.

5. Embrace or develop your faith base. Make sure you are connected in some way to a higher being…whatever that may be for you. If you don’t have that in your life, find it. Spirituality can be a healing force as long as you are not guilted into it. If someone is trying to guilt you to coming or being a part of a faith based program, avoid that and seek out a place that allows you to have a healthy healing and growing time without the guilt.

6. Cherish and develop a healthy friendship base. It is critical to have good friends in your life. That can help keep us sane when the world seems to be falling right on us. There are many others out there looking for the same friendship.

7. Carefully consider things if you are thinking of getting into a romantic relationship with someone during a time of healing. It can be good, but it can also be a dangerous move to try to find a romantic connection to fill a void while healing. Friendship is one thing, romance is quite another. Give yourself time to breathe on this one.

8. Avoid alcohol, drugs, over eating, or excesses of any kind during this stressful time. In fact, planning a daily walk can be a good thing. Walking in the mall or around the neighborhood can be a tremendous boost to your system and can help relieve the extra stress that may be lurking there.

9. If you have a healthy family base, embrace it. Family members probably know and love you better than anyone else. I do emphasize healthy family base, though. An unhealthy, controlling family can make matters worse…be mindful that if you get putdowns, have a habit of being controlled by family members, are guilted into being part of a family activity that you know will turn into a battle, or have an unhealthy relationship with family in any way at all, it may be better to get your support somewhere else. After all, there are families that add to the problem of being depressed or down about a situation. Just keep that in mind as you find your support base.

10. Celebrate the good things that happen in your life on an hourly and daily basis. Taking a “seize the day” philosophy can be quite beneficial to you for the short term. It could also develop into your daily ritual to frequently celebrate the good things that happen in your life.

11. Be thankful for small things and remind yourself that you are in a period of growth – surviving day by day – sometime hour by hour. Remind yourself that you can get through this and that you are worth the effort.

12. If you find yourself getting worse, just not shaking the feeling, or considering suicide, get help IMMEDIATELY. There are many people out there who know just how to help. Always consider others when you are feeling hopeless.

Life is full of ups and downs. Just make sure “it’s getting better” as you walk down the path. That may mean some radical adjustments to your life, but you’re definately worth it.

My wish for you today is that you weather bumps in the road in a healthy and self respecting manner and that you let those that care about you in a respectable and uplifting way support you during this time. You are always worth the effort.

~Joellen

There’s a song that you probably know called You Light Up My Life. Now the words to this song are very romantic but for me, last night, I recalled the song for another reason.

I was on my way home after dark as I approached the entrance to a park near my home. The park lights up around the holidays into a wonderland of festive figures such as gingerbread men, elves, penguins tossing balls high into the air and over the road, and candy canes sparkling in the dark.

This year is the first that they ask you to tune into their local radio station as you enter the park to hear music being joyfully played throughout the long winding ride.

A highlight of the trip thought this fantasy light parade is the display of well over 50 trees that go on and off to the beat of music by the Trans Siberian Orchestra.

It’s sort of like Christmas tree lights gone wild…I mean REALLY wild!

Then, as I move on up the road toward home there are lights on houses in the neighborhood. The nice thing about these is that there are no two houses that look exactly the same.

Yes, they all have their own little holiday personalities.

I attempted one year to have lights on my house. It’s a Cape Cod style two story house and my efforts were limited to the first floor. Since that didn’t look really that good from the road because of all the summer oaks that hang over most of my yard, I decided a light shining toward the wreath on my door would have to do.

Today, I don’t bother with the lights and just have a simple wreath on the door. Inside there are modest decorations that fit into two boxes.

That’s down a great deal from the 29 boxes of decorations I use to have – and MUCH more manageable.

Don’t know about you, but I got tired of spending two weeks every night just putting the decorations out. Yes, I use to have a tree in EVERY room of my house.

That was excessive and I knew it. Pretty, but excessive.

My tree this year, as in the last few years, has been my large fichus tree you see as you enter the living room from outside. It has white lights on it – lights that stay on all year long. I LOVE to have the lights on my tree there and often plug them in during the year.

Get the fireplace going, put on a little soft music, pour a nice glass of red wine…now that’s nice.

This year, ornaments will grace those limbs and again, it will look like a celebration in that corner. Along with the other things in those two boxes it will be just the right touch for me.

Add a few well chosen dinner parties, rides around the area at night to see all the lights, a concert or two with people I love to be with, visits to holiday gatherings, some unexpected friends dropping in over the holidays, a family get together or two and it will be a perfect holiday season.

Yes, the lights light up my life, but the family and friends I get to be with over the holidays are what really make things special.

My wish for you today is that your December is full of events and visits with family and friends that will light up your life – just like those lights in the park near my home.

~Joellen