Reflections From a Country Girl

For the past several weeks I’ve had dinner with some rather large groups of folks. I’ve found myself talking with people who had a spouse to die recently. Since I have had a similar experience, I suppose we just gravitated toward each other and there were lots of “memories” being shared.

Impending holidays will do that to you sometimes.

My husband has been dead about 19 years now – much longer than I knew him. He died February 13th after a long illness. Around this time of year I am reminded of our good times together.

He suggested before his death that I remarry. “Just don’t bring him to the funeral.” He said jokingly.

Even in death his good sense of humor prevails.

The two men I was in a conversation with last night were in the mood to tell stories about their loved ones. I suspect that, for them as well, Valentine’s Day and other holidays bring memories of the good times rushing back.

As we talked they also had funny as well as touching stories to share about their deceased spouses. I could tell they were still adjusting to the deaths. It sometimes can take an amazingly long time to get back to even some bit of normalcy in one’s life after a death of someone who was a soulmate.

The one thing I did glean from both these men was that they were full of good memories.

We agreed that was a true blessing to be able to think of those good times and to have so many of them.

Even though no one’s marriage is perfect, it’s the good times we will often remember after a loved one is gone.

My wish for you today – if your spouse or significant other died recently – is that you gain strength from those good memories as you adjust to that loss. Just one word of caution here, one must be careful not to put the deceased spouse on a pedestal or to hold on too long to memories that it keeps one from moving on in the present. All that said, however, embracing the good times will often direct you to the next path life will take you down. My wish for you today- if you are currently in a loving relationship – is that you live everyday to the fullest and don’t hold on too long to the less than perfect times in your relationship. Life is just TOO short to keep from fully loving and living. And finally, my wish for you today – if you know of someone who recently lost that special person in their lives – is that you remember them around the holidays and drop them a card or give them a call and just listen. That will mean so much in their adjustment.

~Joellen

I was driving back to Columbia early Monday morning. It was 6:45 and I tuned in to my favorite country station.

The on air folks are real chatty this time of morning. I am chatty as well in the morning, so I like to listen to the two of them go back and forth. As usual, they threw out a statement for listeners to ponder and call in about.

Their report went something like this. 14% of men surveyed said they would do this if the boss promised them a raise.

There were lots of creative answers called in and they all sounded like something men might say…things like sleeping with the boss, wearing women’s clothes, running thought the office with no clothes on, brown nosing the boss, etc.

None of those were the right answer and we were all going around in circles. Finally, they started giving us hints.

Before long, the right answer came in.

The answer was – 14% of men said they would wear makeup if the boss promised them a raise.

Now I don’t know how many of you men out there would do this, but I can assure you the men I know would not…at least most of the men I know wouldn’t.

There are some exceptions. My television personality men friends wear makeup all the time. That’s pretty common when you’re in front of a camera. Then there are some of my male theater friends who wear makeup when they’re on stage.

Generally speaking, though, my men friends wouldn’t get near makeup except to admire it on the women they see along their way.

So just what would you do for a raise?

It seems to be a question many ponder and few feel comfortable asking for without some bit of anxiety.

Ever thought of just asking the boss for a raise without doing something drastic? I mean, after all, if you are a good and faithful employee, the likelihood is that you deserve it.

I have no magic words here for how to ask for a raise. Each boss is different and there are so many variables that it can’t be simplified too much. Also, many companies have built in evaluation periods for performance reviews. Raises are often attached to those reviews.

Know your companies policy on this before you ask for a raise.

If you are interested in a raise and don’t feel like doing something drastic – like wearing makeup to the office if you’re a man – then you have to think about how to approach your boss with care and professionalism.

Here are a few helpful hints to consider:

1. Make sure you’re hard working and giving your job 100% effort

2. Make sure you are not tied down in office politics

3. Be someone a boss can count on for professionalism and integrity

4. Choose your time wisely when talking with the boss – know his/her mood and know the right time of day to talk

5. Keep the request between you and your boss…do not share your plan with others in the office. This is a private matter.

6. Tell your boss you are there to ask him/her to consider giving you a raise and know the percentage you are thinking of. Be specific… 4%, 6%, etc…whatever seems reasonable for th research you’ve done on the subject and the position.

7. Mention your accomplishments and how you’ve addressed your responsibilities with professionalism and efficiency. If you do work above and beyond the call of duty, be prepared to share that with the boss at this point.

8. Be willing to discuss other benefits besides a raise…like the possibility of the company paying you to go to school, flex time, etc.

9. If the boss says he/she can’t give you a raise right now, ask what you might do to put yourself in the position for a raise later on.

10. Don’t mention another job elsewhere or suggest you may go somewhere else if you don’t get a raise. Bosses don’t like to feel like you are giving them an ultimatum.

11. Be prepared to continue to do a good job whether you get a raise or not.

12. If you don’t get that raise and you decide to start looking elsewhere, remember to speak positively of your current job to those you are talking with about future employment. You just never know when your boss and the prospective boss may be friends or business acquaintances.

My wish for you today is that you find a job you enjoy, give it 100%, and be prepared to negotiate a raise when the time is right without having to “wear makeup” to do it. Best wishes as you continue to grow professionally and personally.

~ Joellen

The words “on sale” bring delight to many women.

Retailers and advertisers count on it.

My philosophy is that, when possible, I never pay full price for anything. I’ve always believed the retail price of something is always more than one ought to pay for it.

I’ll barter whenever possible.

Indeed, there are many countries of the world where bartering is expected. I’ve visited shops and open air markets in many of those countries and love to be in a bartering environment. In most of those locations, effective bartering means you get a much better deal.

I am also one of those women that give car dealers a nightmare. I simply go in and take my time buying a car. If a salesman tries to pressure me I hold off even longer. Therefore, in many cases, I have been able to get the best deals on cars.

Now it’s not that I mind someone making a profit. Indeed, I want folks to make their living. However, I also am fairly savvy enough to do my homework ahead of time in order to know what “profit” really means.

I also know what my budget will tolerate and simply will not get in over my head because I am pressured to do so.

As I was talking with a friend this past weekend, she said her husband is just as savvy at shopping as she is. She explained that “He doesn’t buy anything retail – except me – and I was worth it!”

Now that’s what I like…a man who knows true value when he finds it.

So for all you shoppers out there, enjoy the sales and continue to make retailers and advertisers happy. We can all live with much less, but when those bargains are there and we really “need” the item, a sale is a good time to buy. Don’t be shy about bartering. Even the wealthiest people I know do it.

I think it’s the challenge of the game and the pleasure of the chase.

My wish for you today is that you shop wisely and occasionally put yourself in bartering environments to sharpen your skills in that area. It will surely be an exhilarating experience and you’re likely to come away from it with some good stories to tell!

~Joellen

Many of us remember the delightful scarecrow in The Wizard of Oz movie classic. At first, he was very scary to Dorothy, the young impressionable girl with her canine companion, Toto. The scarecrow was caught up on a post where he just stayed there trying his best to scare things away. He didn’t have very much luck doing that, and he was falling emotionally and personally apart even more each day.

One of the most memorable scenes in the movie was when he explained that, “if I only had a brain,” he could do many good things in the world and better at who he was.

I was reminded of the scarecrow when I had lunch recently with some friends and their son at a gathering.

I have followed the life of this young man since his youth. He, his parents and my son, Pierce, were friends when we lived in their small community. They still live there even now and I enjoy keeping in touch with them.

This young man has graduated from college and is working with a law office in town. It was his job to go out to the storage area and get some papers. The unit was used for storing many things, including holiday decorations.

As he walked into the shed that morning he thought he saw a Halloween scarecrow sitting there in the back of the storage unit on top of some boxes. It was looking straight toward him and appeared to have a stick in its hands.

He had an eerie feeling about that scarecrow but he knew it wasn’t real so he went on toward the box he needed.

“Did that thing move?” He asked himself silently as he thought he saw the stick point toward him in the shadows.

To his surprise, the stick moved again and it was clearer that it was a shotgun. “It’s loaded.” said a voice.”

He stood there as motionless as the “scarecrow” and they talked to each other for awhile as they both maintained their distance.

It didn’t take long to discover that the “scarecrow” was a young man that had been missing from his nearby home. Apparently, he had made some bad choices and he left home to avoid getting into trouble.

As the two conversed, our young friend helped the “scarecrow” determine that there were some things he could do that would help in the situation…one of which was not to shoot at him but just to understand he was there to do a job and could help him if he’d permit it.

Eventually the frightened youth was able to get home and take care of what he needed to.

Needless to say, our friend was fine and didn’t suffer any wounds from the gun or the “scarecrow.”

Fortunately, this “scarecrow” had enough of a brain to realize he didn’t need to get in anymore trouble than he was already in. He had simply gone to the shed to hide while he thought about what to do next.

“It was a scarecrow timeout” I thought.

As my young friend relived the event, he said he will likely always remember going into the shed that day.

Seeing a scarecrow will likely never be quite the same for him I thought.

My wish for you today is that you use your well developed brain to practice making good decisions and that you do as much good as possible. Just like the scarecrow in The Wizard of Oz, you have what it takes to make good decisions and be wise if you practice it daily – but only if you use those mental resources you’ve probably had all along.

~ Joellen

Ok, guys. I promised I would give equal time to men and their finer qualities after the recent reflection – “There’s Nothing Like a Dame.” I said at the end of that reflection that I would concentrate on what my thoughts were on men’s’ finer qualities the next day.

It was quickly drawn to my attention that it really would not quite be fair for a woman to share her perspective since she probably would not present a clear enough picture of men. It was further suggested that men should be given the opportunity to share those thoughts, so, I pondered that for awhile.

I was convinced it was a reasonable request. I had the perfect opportunity to “interview” a number of real men this weekend. I decided to ask the question “What are some of the finer qualities of a good man?” to a number of the guys.

Before I list these, I want to say that the answers came from a group of my cowboy friends.

These men are from all walks of life but since we all have aliases, I can’t be sure what any of them do – except to say that they all can shoot lever action rifles, double barrel shotguns and single action pistols with some amazing speed and accuracy. Plus, they look pretty dog gone good in their cowboy duds!

Edisto Ike said that, when it comes to marriage, dependability and loyalty are two fine qualities in a good man that one needs to strive for.

Black Jack Sequine explained that loyalty was critical in a good man. “You know, just like a loyal dog.” he said.

Captain Custis said “good men know how to drink in moderation and they also know how to open a door.”

Many women I know like that idea a lot.

Doc Krem said “good men have courage and conviction.” You have to know Doc. He also said men are a good source of natural gas.

Come to think of it, I suspect most of them are.

Doc Jones said honesty and dependability are two important qualities in a good man.

I love what Country Lawyer told me. He said there was really only two words a good man should be able to say. “Yes, honey.” “As long as a man has this in his vocabulary he will definitely be a good man in his woman’s eyes.”

I can hear “amen” coming from many women right about now.

Grey Dog said that 70% of men in this country are good men who can be depended on.

Whiskey Mac said that a good man knows how to appreciate a woman.

Three Leg Jake said he is reminded of the song that suggests a good man:

Always drink up stream from the herd.
Never looks up at a bird.
If he gets thrown off – always gets back on.
And NEVER squats with his spurs on.

Gambler Bill said a good man keeps his word.

Bullwhacker said that, early on in his life a man by the name of “Lassic” taught him that a good man lives by the Boy Scout code. He said he strives to live that way even today. He reminded me that the code says:

“On my honor, I will do my best
To do my duty to God and my country and to obey the Scout Law;
To help other people at all times;
To keep myself physically strong, mentally awake and morally straight.”

Gilbob Kid shared that a good man knows how to keep a secret.

Wolverine Rebel said a good man sets a good example for other men.

Ranger Law explained “Having been a man since I was a boy, several different things come to mind. The most important one is empathy. If a man can “walk in another persons’ shoes” he can step back and understand in a unique way. A good man knows how to have empathy for others.”

One of the most creative answer of the day goes to JP Hara when he said the following:

“A good man can brand a dozen head of cattle,
Patch up the fence,
And fix the shingles on the barn,
All before sun up,
AND have the coffee ready when his woman gets up.”

Now I LIKE that.

What woman wouldn’t?

Some of the cowgirls wanted a chance to respond as well so let me add a few of those here.

Klearwater Kate said – “They look nice coming and going and they’re good at fixin’ things.” She continued. “Good men know how to protect their women and their families.”

I’d have to agree.

Hambone Hannah said one of her husband’s finer qualities was consideration. “He’s the most considerate man I know.” she said.

If all men were like that, the world would be a better place.

This was some of the best conversations I’ve had with cowboys. I actually enjoyed it and we certainly had a chance to laugh and exchange some pleasantries in-between shooting.

So, for all the men out there that always wondered if women see you in a good light, I’d like to say that, if you have these qualities, consider yourself fortunate. You probably have many good things going on in your life with your relationships.

While we know none of you men are perfect, we women are encouraged that many of you see these as good solid qualities in a good man.

There’s hope of the world yet.

My wish for you today, women, is that you consider yourself very lucky of there’s a man in your life with these qualities and make darn sure you tell your man just how much you appreciate him. My wish today for you men who many be reading this is that you strive to have as many of the qualities listed here as possible. The women and families in your life will greatly appreciate it and your life will likely be one of love, laughter, and strength. If you don’t have a woman in your life right now and you have these qualities (and happen to be looking for a good woman like the one described in “There’s Nothing Like a Dame”) be patient – there are many good women out there looking for your kind of guy!

~ Joellen