Don’t Blink
Kenny Chesney sings this song “Don’t Blink†where he talks about an old man who turned 102. He’s was asked what words of wisdom he man would share with the world. He says there are just two things you should do as often as possible…love and respect.
Seems simple enough, doesn’t it?
I have a friend who’s been in a relationship with someone she loves deeply for over two years now. These is not doubt they have a love for each other that has sustained challenges.
I was surprised to hear from her that these two have split. Suddenly. Surprisingly. Sadly.
The ingredient that was missing, she says carefully between statements of kindness and love regarding the man, was respect. Most of the problems came through his not dealing with little issues about her that were stuffed away until it overflowed…spilling out quickly within a short period of time until the damage had been done…at least that is what he said. It’s not like she had not tried to talk about things when she suspected there was a problem, it’s just that communicating his concerns did not come easy for him so it was easier to put it aside. “It was easier, he told her, than trying to convince her she was wrong.â€
She knew she wasn’t perfect and had probably done some things that weren’t pleasant for him…but she also thought she knew they could get through anything because she loved him unconditionally…and thought he was doing the same with her.
That day when they spent time talking, arguing, trying to get through all the crap, was just too much for their relationship. Things were said that were very hurtful from both. The damage was done.
The relationship has come to a screeching halt…broken pieces of each that were painful and destructive lying there like an open wound.
So what does one learn from this kind of experience? Is there anything good to take from it as each of them picks themselves up and moves on?
A few things come to mind that are worth sharing.
1. This dating thing is all about finding out if you are compatible or not.
2. Each individual in a relationship needs to know what he or she needs in order to find out if they are compatible for the long term.
3. Healthy communication is critical to a close relationship. Stuffing unresolved problems away is not the best way to solve a problem. In fact, it is about the worse thing you can do to that other person and yourself.
4. A partner needs to know how to communicate needs effectively and with respect. If that’s a weak area it can come back and haunt you later. There is also some worth in saying both of you can grow and work on weak areas if it will strengthen your partnership.
5. Couples need to agree to be flexible and negotiate through tough times with love and respect. If one or the other gets defensive…both can easily get defensive when the pressure is on and things can be said that can not be taken back.
6. It is critical to be able to say – up front – that it’s ok to change or cease a relationship when either or both of the people realizes the relationship is not meeting their needs. It’s respectful to be able to decide, together, to do so.
7. All this said, sometime relationships are worth fighting for. Sometimes they are not. There comes a time, like my friends found, where it just was not worth it.
They are both good people. I will miss seeing them together. They were a totally awesome couple in public and complimented each with humor and a loving spirit.
Their lives go on. Perhaps they each will find someone who fulfills their needs even better than in their good times with each other. Time will tell.
My wish for you today is that you keep the two things the old man says in “ Don’t Blink†close to your heart as you deal with relationships that are important to you. Love and respect are things you just can’t afford to compromise on if you want a relationship to last…and I would add good communication to that short list as well. May all your relationships be healthy ones.
~ Joellen