Boy, That Made Me MAD!
Has anyone ever made you mad? I mean REALLY mad?
I would venture to say that all of us have had our buttons pushed by someone. In the old days you’d take it out behind the barn and the winner would emerge.
Today, we’re a bit more civilized, though I venture to say that there are times when you can still see grown men and women in a fist fight or brawl to settle a dispute. You just don’t do that much anymore if you’re smart. Too much of a chance you’d get killed, seriously wounded or sued. I know people who are more concerned about the last one. You just never know what lurks in a hostile environment.
I suspect some of my cowboy friends wish it was still the fighting way today. I can hear some of them say now, ‘Too much talk and not enough action.†They might prefer the shootout instead.
Regardless of how you might personally fantasize about solving disagreements, we all know that sitting down to the table (The bigger the table the better!) and talking about it is about the best thing you can do. TV hosts encourage it, psychologists and ministers recommend it, and – when done right – it’s one of the most effective ways to resolve an issue.
That’s what I like about this technique.
Everyone wins.
Now this is a great plan if all the parties are present and willing. But what if you’ve harbored a grudge against someone for years and they are nowhere to be found? Maybe they’re dead, or moved and you don’t know where they are. Maybe someone did something very, very bad to you and it would not be safe to be near them even today. It also could be that you are in a position where you can’t talk with the other person because of something you know that you are not able to talk about with them. Maybe there is a confidence or a good reason for having to do what you did and meeting with them would just lead to more frustration on their part. In that case you’ve just done your best and they will have to trust that. It may take you to that place where you are still darn mad about it and there’s no way to be but disappointed that they don’t trust what you did.
One of the best things you can do if you’re in that situation is to be forgiving of this person. They were likely doing the best they could at the time. Now granted, there are some spiteful people out there that do things because they KNOW it will make you angry. There are also some people out there that are so miserable and insecure in their own right that they are bound and determined to make everyone else miserable. You know people like that. Just so darn mad that they take it out on the world. I, personally, try my best to stay away from that type. Especially if they are angry with me for some reason.
However, you can’t always avoid people who are angry.
So how does one responsibly consider dealing with this kind of situation?
Like I said earlier, forgiveness is one of the best strategies you can use. If you can, put yourself in that person’s shoes and see what it’s like. I always try to find out what’s going on…being the counselor that I am. Sometimes that gets me in trouble, and makes life more complicated. Other times it explains it right away.
I’ll never forget the time a group of parents were furious about their children having to listen to me in classroom guidance. They did not want their children exposed to things they did not “approve” of. I invited them to come visit the next week and see the materials I was using.
They were still angry when they came in. Their meeting before hand had done nothing but continue to stir up distrust.
I told them a little bit about me and who I was. As a parent at that school as well, that was a powerful connection. As we talked and I got to know each of them, I found that they all had issues with trust and hurt from their past. Ironically enough, on that day, all of them were from families of alcoholics – including me. I’ll never forget the look in that room when they all realized that.
As soon as they saw I was willing to stick it out with them while they worked through the anger with me, their trust began to build and soon we were talking about how they could be volunteers to help in the classrooms.
They turned out to be some of the best volunteers I ever worked with as they began to trust me and others in our school. One is still a good friend.
I love working with people that have a passion for what they are doing. These folks lived life with passion. They were going to protect their kids and they wanted to make darn sure no one messed with them. You’ve got to love that about people! I wish all parents were passionate about protecting their kids as these folks were.
Now I am not encouraging you to go out and try to solve the world’s problems with every angry person you know or see. What I am encouraging you to do is to be forgiving of their shortcomings as others have been of you when you were angry and it showed. You know, the Golden Rule.
When it’s safe, try to understand where someone is coming from. When it’s not, give people room to breath. Don’t get in an argument. Just agree to get back together when you both have calmed down. Meet with each other if you two are civilized and can handle it. Be the listener first and try to understand. Tell them you see why they got angry. You don’t have to agree with them. Just understand a little.
If it’s not safe to meet like that, find someone you both trust or someone who is a well respected neutral party and sort through it. Tell the other person what you need…and listen to what they need. One of the most important things you can do is to say, “I’m sorry.” A few well spoken words like “I sure didn’t mean to make you angry.†or “That’s the last thing I meant to do was to upset you.†might be helpful in understanding for both of you. Find a place to agree. Shake hands when it’s over and tell the other person how much you appreciate them taking the time to talk.
If you just can’t do this for various reasons. Then move on with your life and hope that one day you will be able to resolve it. The only way, however, that this will work is if you let go of the anger. If you can’t let go of it, find someone to help you sort through it so you won’t be that angry person we see sometimes on the street that is waiting to lash out. Harboring anger in your soul will destroy you and you’re worth too much to let that happen. Decide right now you just aren’t going to do that to yourself.
My wish for you today: that you will take care of any unresolved anger in your life. If you don’t have any but see someone you know who hasn’t moved on from anger, be compassionate and understanding. When safe, be a listener. Try to understand where others are coming from. Learn from them. The world will be a better place.
~Joellen